Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Worst of 2006 - This post is rated R

Haaa, do I love lists. Yes, I do. Even when there's only two items on the list, as for this "Worst movies of 2006" post. It doesn't mean that most movies were great this year, far from it. It probably means I can spot a bad movie before watching it!
For example, I haven't seen Santa Clause 3: The escape clause, and I don't plan to.



(sorry)
But let's move on to the list:

- Miami Vice (Michael Mann)

It's hard to say what exactly was so bad with this movie. The truth is, it could have been great. An amazing director and a great star (Jamie Foxx), who had already collaborated on a Masterpiece (collateral, the year before). The adaptation of a fantastic TV Series, with its own style and vibe.
Only there's this: Miami Vice has a huuuuuuge rythm problem. Michael Mann is usually a pro with creating moody pieces with their own pace, with highs and lows whispering a little like a jazz set. That's exactly what made Collateral so great. But here, the lows are bottom-of-the-well lows, and the highs don't fit at all with the rest of the piece, lingering for too long and in a anti-climatic, slo-mo-million-dollar-man kind of way. Add to that Colin Farrel, who this year managed to make even Terrence Mallick look bad.

End result: I don't think I've ever been more bored. If it wasn't for Gong Li and the gorgeous photography, I'd have left the theatre early.

More Gong Li please.



Thank you.

- Superman Returns.

This is really hard. I had so much expectations and ended up being so frustrated. Superman Returns is not only bad, it's horrible. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing to save this movie.

The script sucks, the actors are zombies, the direction totally meaningless. Seriously, dear "but-i-liked-it" reader, was there anything in this movie that put it above any episode of the new adventures of Lois and Clark? I'll take Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher any day over Brandon Routh and Kate whatever her name is she has no freaking presence.

Worst of all for a comic-book adaptation, the characters have absolutely no depth.
Compare it to masterpieces like Batman Begins or the two Spidermans: where are the hero's conflicts about good and evil, about being worthy of his powers, about protecting his love ones? Where are the metaphors and allusions to a man's inner conflicts, to our eternal struggle between helping the world and helping ourselves?

A scene looking through the window at Lois having a family life? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GET RID OF THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BRYAN SINGER AND GIVE ME A REAL FILMMAKER! COMIC BOOK ADAPTATIONS ARE GOOD MATERIAL, STOP FUCKING WITH IT!!!!!!


Your turn dear reader: what was the worst of your 2006? Did you like superman returns? Do you want to be blocked from this blog (don't worry, I don't actually have enough visitors to do that)?
As for me, I'm gonna do what I do every time I'm really pissed. Eat.

2 comments:

Vanessa said...

Well, I start. I dont usually recall the worst movie because I zap them and i cant remember what I saw six months ago, but i do remember the disappointing ones... Deja Vu was one of those, a mere ripoff of the butterfly effect concept... Oh and Brokeback Mountain... What's all the fuss about this movie...

Ben said...

I thought Brokeback Mountain was an amazing movie. But it was a 2005 movie, and its oscar was stollen by this piece of s**t they call "crash".